Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
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*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser