I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
They got Raph!
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.