[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
You Might Also Like
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Happy Caturday!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!