@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

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@rad_milk

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

@SondraDeeMe

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

@monks_19

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

@imdaintyaf

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

@RdrJay47

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

@murrman5

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

@Jasmin__Kaur

Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there

@juanadog

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

@WilliamAder

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.