*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi


My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.


If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?


[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god


[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.


*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*


Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there


911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.


When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.


Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.