*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
i love meeting boys on tinder
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted