*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?


Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.


No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.


Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.


GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die


Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done


*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”


I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.


Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man