@adamjest

*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they’re so cute.
Me: These ugly Sketchers I’m wearing have insides made out of memory foam.

@WarrenHolstein

Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
?

@KarenGiannina6

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@thejacquio

Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.

@NewDadNotes

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

@CaniacMONK

*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum

@SortaBad

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows