@adamjest

*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

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@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@theycallmehcat

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@HiddleDeeDee

Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.

@Home_Halfway

GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

@david8hughes

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

@semenphantom

*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”

@novicefather

I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.

@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man