If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Best seat on the street 😍
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Meow
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?