@Bratterina

*makes eye contact
*slowly pulls a banana out my bag
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*breaks eye contact
*looks in my bag if there’s any more banana’s.
*makes eye contact again
*slowly pulls out another banana

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@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

@Try2StopME

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

@Ygrene

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

@MommaUnfiltered

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

@atanya1111

Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer

@boomdingwinning

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

@Home_Halfway

People ask me what I’m really into these days. I tell them “debt.”

@Swoosh61

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

@mydmac

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.