*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.