@UnluckyBrian

Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.

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@RedRegenerated

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

@SheBanggs

It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.

@SatansTongue

*at a concert*
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK
(Crowd)
“YEAAAAH”
LETS DO THIS HIT IT
*30 second ad plays first*

@mommy_cusses

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@Home_Halfway

*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*

@imhhk

I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.

@AnOrangeSNES

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

@500Riles

[Interview]

Boss: Have you ever been fired?

Me: Depends on who you ask

B: If I ask your last employer?

Me: They’d say yes

@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering