her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
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It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.
*at a concert*
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK
LETS DO THIS HIT IT
*30 second ad plays first*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
I hate “two-faced” people.
It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Boss: Have you ever been fired?
Me: Depends on who you ask
B: If I ask your last employer?
Me: They’d say yes
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering