@UnluckyBrian

Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.

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@adler_chris

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

@norm

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

@CoopFogg

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

@Tylerosis

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

@bIessbaby

*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

@_elvishpresley_

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

@longwall26

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

@envydatropic

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

@Sam_From_Kansas

Alan from Facebook is concerned about “boarder” control and thinks they should “learn our langage”