Your turtle puns tortoise family apart
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
You Might Also Like
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
There is no rest from this pa rum pum pum pum
Me: Where are the kids?
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not