@squirrel74wkgn

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

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@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@RickAaron

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

@BlackCatBettie

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

@SvnSxty

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

@Abusitron

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not