When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
You Might Also Like
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
i did the math
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?