So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Never mess with a drunken pig.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
got so much cardio in today
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.