@SteveDutzy

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

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@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@flashember

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

@tastefactory

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

@frenchielaboozi

a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day

@ceejoyner

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

@1evilidiot

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.