Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.