*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
He’s dead
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.