*Makes joke on Twitter*


*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

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“Oh, sure, everybody thinks werewolves are so cool, but tell them you’re a werecorgi and they just laugh and laugh…”


her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall


Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.


Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.


Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.


[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]


Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?


Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita


Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn