*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”