“Oh, sure, everybody thinks werewolves are so cool, but tell them you’re a werecorgi and they just laugh and laugh…”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn