@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

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@ObtuseHands

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@aissalanis

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

@jessokfine

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

@JermHimselfish

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@KyleMcDowell86

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg