I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
GOD: you keep saying that word
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg