My new monthly budget
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Will you have sex with me?
Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.