@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

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@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@trevso_electric

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

@ThisOneSayz

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

@GingerHotDish

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.