*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.