*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
When I said I liked it rough.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.