Dog: (confused dog look)
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Isis been real quiet ever since fortnite came out
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.