@iwearaonesie

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

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@Dave_Philips

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@reczit

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

@nattylumpo88

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

@iwearaonesie

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@KyleMcDowell86

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

@1followernodad

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

@MrAlexisPereira

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.