@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

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@Big_Cat74

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@omgthatspunny

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

@refreshingslurp

Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@ThatMummyLife

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@fro_vo

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

@Brampersandon_

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm