*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.