My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
You Might Also Like
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm