Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Weighing up my bread heating options
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.