@dumbbeezie

*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*

You Might Also Like

@DanTaylorAuthor

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

@WheelTod

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

@DJTannerComedy

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

@dave_cactus

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@Ms612

Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

@PrisonCookies

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

@stevevsninjas

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV