I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*
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Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV