*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*

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[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has


Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.


If people tell you not to touch your face, keep things interesting by responding, “Oh, it’s not mine.”


I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.


He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry


“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”


“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”


(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*


GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields


Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.


“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?