Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.