[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money