Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

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KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: damn ur good


You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.


My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”


First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?


I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”


The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.


You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.


Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?


That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we’re flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.


[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy