@Sassafrantz

Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

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@oolah

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

@jazmasta

DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.

@papasuncle

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

@McGrumpenstein

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@NrouteHQ

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

@HenpeckedHal

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

@Browtweaten

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

@david8hughes

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears