@AaronFullerton

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

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@JediGigi

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

@WhatTheFFacts

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

@FlipPrincesss

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

@_troyjohnson

5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?

@PaperWash

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school

@SadieSkyNinja

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display