Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
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On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
*plot gets twisted.
5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”
Me: Probably through my credit card.
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.