*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.


Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room


“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc


Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is


*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs


*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!


Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.


Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head


*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.