Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
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Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.
Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head
*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*