@AbbieEvansXO

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

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@krisv_723

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

@Douchekevin

Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

@UncleDuke1969

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

@derekblackmon

Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head

@kcmoore51

*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.