BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
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When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Oh boy, $150,000!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
saw this in a dream
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.