[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
In space, no one can hear…
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
That’s what I call a flat tire
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
i spent way too long on this
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Sniffing the broccoli
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall