I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.
*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.