@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

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@osigat

I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

@Beagz

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

@mybigblondelife

If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.

@VapingSonic

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

@Carmel_Coleman

I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.

@Poutymcgee

*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date

@VeryLonelyLuke

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.