@TheEighthKnight

Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead

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@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details

@OrangeFact

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

@thepunningman

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@AmishPornStar1

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@frogshack

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

@ClichedOut

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

@farleftcoast

Grapes for breakfast it is!

Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.

@MotorCityKitteh

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

@Fred_Delicious

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0