Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
You Might Also Like
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill