ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend
1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?
DM for details
Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
You Might Also Like
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Grapes for breakfast it is!
Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0