Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
That time Alicia messaged me
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.