Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*pinching bridge of my nose*
Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.