Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold