Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O