making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly