Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.