*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
– Do you want some?
The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.