Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

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*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.


If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.


Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.


date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this


Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.


I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.


Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher


my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say


– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?


The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.