@DomBorrett

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

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@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

@WilliamAder

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

@sofarrsogud

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

@aissalanis

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

@FattMernandez

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

@T_Bonezzz_

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

@TweetPotato314

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@The_MartiniGirl

The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.