Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
is nasa ok
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf