Making my voice mail message say

“Just hang up and text me.”

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I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.


america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun


Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry’s singing


CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)


I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.


I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old


Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.


(Cannibalism anonymous)

Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps