I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
Making my voice mail message say
“Just hang up and text me.”
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry’s singing
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
How to propose marriage:
1. Drive to bridge
2. Jump off
I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old
Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.
Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.