@panthersblondie

Making my voice mail message say

“Just hang up and text me.”

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@rolldiggity

I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.

@Holy_Mowgli

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

@Brentweets

Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry’s singing

@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@Birdhumms

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

@TheQuietPsycho

I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old

@wickedsuga

Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.

@ThaJawn

(Cannibalism anonymous)

Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps