[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Sunday
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
men are simple creatures