@abbyrartistry

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

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@KatieKatCubs

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

@samalmightysam

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

@FailShark

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

@urmumsausername

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

@Desert_Musings

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.