My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?