Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
You Might Also Like
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?