My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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this is proof that if we all work together we can do anything
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.