[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
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Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Well well well…
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!