[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
This one’s “Alex”.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant