[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Practicing safe sax
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found