jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.