[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*