*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Festive toon…
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.