[making small talk at a business function]
“You’re 35 aren’t you?”
“No, I’m 38”
“Oh right”
[long silence]
“Did you used to be 35?”

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Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.


“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken


1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.


“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy


I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.


My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”


Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.


I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.


Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond