Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.