@jazmasta

[making small talk at a business function]
“You’re 35 aren’t you?”
“No, I’m 38”
“Oh right”
[long silence]
“Did you used to be 35?”

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@Ilovelamp1979

Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.

@I_Disdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

@AmishPornStar1

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

@BeeeejEsq

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

@_Water_Baby

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@weinerdog4life

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond