Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
You Might Also Like
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Introverted vegans go meetless
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts