According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.
What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
when ur mom defending u @ a parent teacher conference
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant