@ellewasamistake

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

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@jordan_stratton

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

@CopBroughtPizza

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

@AbbieEvansXO

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

@catstronomical

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

@TheRealRHB

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

@beerfartchamp

I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant