[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Simple
Sorry not sorry.
Passwords are more important than ever.