[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

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According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.


Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth


“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney


Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad


I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches


Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it


I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?


Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant