[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
*weighs self after shaving
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Are you ok, human???
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.