[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
You Might Also Like
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
They grow up so quick
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship