[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?

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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.


I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.


My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.


Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.


t-shirt is short for “television shirt”


“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”


Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !



Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.