Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?
You Might Also Like
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
There were going to be guns but this was funnier
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Cry if you missed someone.
Try to shoot them again before they leave.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.