inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You Might Also Like
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.