@graceupongracie: Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
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@onion_an: Guy: [pulls out knife] Me: But I'm allergic to stainless steel Guy: [stabs me] Me: Noooo I'll get a rash
@therealeatwood: “…and silk so fine, Sire, that fools cannot even see it.” EMPEROR: So idiots can see through my clothes? That sounds completely acceptable.
@CodyJP9412: [Petco] INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person. ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk* INTERVIEWER: holy shit