Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
You Might Also Like
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad