ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
New tinder profile pic
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
so i’m at the stock market right
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.