Male seahorses get pregnant.

In related news, scientists believe men who tell women what to with their bodies come back as seahorses.

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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”


Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.


If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.


It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition


Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.


5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.


ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy


“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”


My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.