@MyHairyLife

Male seahorses get pregnant.

In related news, scientists believe men who tell women what to with their bodies come back as seahorses.

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@thistallawkgirl

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

@ceejoyner

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

@bartandsoul

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

@AmericanGent69

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

@jellybnbonanza

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

@tsm560

My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.